I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
