i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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