We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
