You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
