I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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