The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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