He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
