awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i love accidental penises.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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