They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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