I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
