I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
