Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Randomize
