the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Ketchup is God's man juice
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
