I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
