based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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