i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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