Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
