The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
