I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
