Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Randomize
