If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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