Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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