God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
