She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
