we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
