i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
