I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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