I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize