A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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