last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Me. At least after what I've been through.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
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