so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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