Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
