is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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