I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
