my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
