I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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