Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
