I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
