I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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