I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
