Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
