I'd wear matching sweaters with you
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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