I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
There are leaves in my underwear?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
