Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
