So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I will be naked everywhere
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
