My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
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