Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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