I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
