bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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