At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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