I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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