I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I have already put on my inside pants.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
