Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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