I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize