went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
