ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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